TMI...(graphic?)

...on Saturday July 9, I lost the baby.  It was crazy. The day started off just like when I went into labor with Reese. I had some bad contractions in my back and I knew it was coming.  This time though I felt like I needed to push, which was very strange, and a few minutes later with no pushing my water broke and out came a tiny 1 inch baby.  It looked perfect to me, just like the pictures you would see if you looked up a 9 week old fetus online.  The rest of the day and Sunday I spent having contractions and back labor, Monday I still had to go get an ultra sound and more tissue was found. So the doctor gave me some medicine to give me more contractions (great since I had finally stopped having them), but hopefully this would prevent me from having a D&C.  I honestly have the worst luck ever so I imagine I will still have to have a D&C, but I am staying hopeful that I won't. 

Even with the loss of another baby, I have been so blessed to feel so much comfort.  I truly feel that this little one has served its purpose to come and receive a body.  For those who don't know, we have been working on going through the temple for a while now, which gives us more comfort to know we will see those who have passed again. 

While I have felt so much comfort there has still been sadness, but I came across a website on what not to say to someone who has miscarried, it's pretty true. I haven't been bitter about the loss of this baby, but I remember hearing all of these things with my first loss and it sucked. Now I know that people generally don't know what to say, but thought I would post these anyway, just so you know these don't bother me any more, but I know that many who have had a miscarriage would appreciate this. :) Remember I copied this from a website.

o You can always have another!" (they want this baby! also..maybe they cant have another...)Also this comment is often very offhand...


o 2. "Now you have angel looking after you" (they didnt want an angel-they want their BABY back!)

o 3."its for the best" (How?The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!)

o 4."At least you didnt know your baby!"(whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was REAL!)

o 5."There must have been something wrong" (with me? why?)

o 6." Did you do something you werent supposed to do?"(inflicts guilt/how could i have done this to my baby!?)

o 7."Have you ever thought of NOT having children!?"(well yes probably!I know i might never be a parent....)

o 8."Be grateful for the children you have!"(I am but I still need to mourn the one i have lost!)

o 9."It wont happen again"(I never thought it could happen..and to some unlucky people it does happen again!)

o 10.""Be brave,dont cry"(why not!!!?)

o 11."Get on with your life,this isnt the end of the world!"(right now it IS)

o 12."You should be over it by now!"( why!?This is not something you just 'get over')

o 13."Youre young, you'll get over it" (what does age have to do with pain!?)

o 14."Time will heal" (Time will make the pain easier to bear yes,but that is no help at the moment...)

o 15."At least it wasnt older" (it still matters and it still HURTS!)

(In general best not to start with "at least"..it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.)

o 16."It was Gods will"

Feelings....

I honestly don't know where to start...on May 24, 2011 I decided to give in to my feelings and take a pregnancy test...it came back positive instantly! We hadn't been trying so this was a huge shock (especially since I had tried for 3 years with my first hubby and 1 1/2 years with Jake to get pregnant with no success) and I honestly didn't know how I felt about being pregnant again.  As time had went on though, I was more excited that I would have two little angels! I made Jake promise me that he would be to two of my dr appointments, my first one and when we were to find out what we were having.  So we went to my appointment on June 27th only to find one baby with no heartbeat.  I had been having a bad feeling for about a week, so I guess I kind of expected it, but thought that since I had had no signs of miscarriage that I was safe.  I guess that even with out any kind of bleeding the baby can quit developing inside you, while your body still thinks you are pregnant....that was so hard! One of the worst things about this is that I have been sick with morning sickness, which is normally a good sign, and with Reese I didn't have hardly any at all, so I guess in a way I feel like I worked or had pushed through being sick for nothing, I felt cheated. 

Since this was not my first miscarriage, in ways this is harder, I guess I kind of felt like I had done my "time" by having the first one and that I wouldn't have any more.  Now it makes me worry for the future, the next time I am pregnant I will be worrying no matter even if I have absolutely no signs of miscarriage.  I will have a ton of anxiety! However, even with the sadness, right now I feel at peace.  I believe that it will be much easier getting through this since I have my little Reese.  I have also been thinking that this is one of my trials and I just have to make it through it. I always thought that if I knew what my trials were it would be easier, it is still hard, but I know that Heavenly Father will keep His promises, I just have to work on mine.

I am so grateful for all of our friends and family that have shown us support. I am sorry though if I have been distant, I guess it's just my way of dealing with things.  I don't know how to respond or take the pity that people give so I guess it's easier to stay away. Don't get me wrong it is super nice to know that people care I just suck at feelings. 

Right now it's a waiting game, if I don't miscarry on my own this week, I have to go in and have a d&c.  So maybe my feelings will change by then since I haven't really lost the baby yet, so once again sorry if I don't answer the phone it is hard to talk about, but please don't give up on me...I love you guys. Thanks for understanding. 

St. Patrick's Day

Jake ended it up being able to be home last night, but I had Bunco. So he stayed home and played with Reese while I went. I wanted to do something cutsie for him to show him my appreciation, so I came up with this idea. Being that it was St. Patrick's Day today, I made a shamrock that said "Wanna get Lucky?" and then in an envelope I put some lottery tickets in and a letter. On the outside of the envelope if you can't see it it says "Jake Good Luck You're worth a million!" I also taped a penny on the outside, it's supposed to be lucky because it's from the year that we got married...kinda cheesy I know, but gotta love it! It turns out he only won $1, but I guess that's why you don't really invest in the lottery!

Ups and Downs

Reese and Mom New Years Eve Dec. 31, 2010

Above Reese 4 months Dec. 2010

Reese and Grandpa Stocks

Above Reese 6 months feeding herself for the first time!

Above Reese 6 months

Since having a baby I have felt a lot of ups and downs. It's so amazing to be a mom to this little angel that I have been waiting for a very long time. At the same time, no one can prepare any one for the amount of stress and life change that a bundle of joy can bring. I don't mean to make it sound like it is so hard, but I honestly feel like a single parent. I know that if Jake could be here it would be a million times easier, I am always so grateful when he comes home. I definitley know how hard it can be for single mommies to work and take care of a little one by their self, I have a lot of respect for them. I am just so lucky that I am able to stay home and do online classes with my baby monster. Jake and I have grown even closer since Reese was born. It's amazing at all the changes babies bring. She has softened his heart more than I have ever seen. It is so sweet and heartbreaking!

Baby Reese

Reese was one week old, how tiny!

So Reese is 5 months now!!! She is so much fun she is always smiling, she "talks" a lot, rolls all over the place, and is already trying to go every where! These are some pictures of her since she was born. I started online classes at USU last week, so I will be more and more strapped for time, but I wanted to get something new up.

Baby!!!

On Tuesday August 10, I woke up to my alarm which I then quickly hit the snooze button. I just didn't feel like getting up, plus I was frustrated that I was 2 days past my due date! (I had planned on having her earlier than my due date LOL!) Then after hitting snooze one more time, I had a contraction. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but then I got up to get ready for work and had another really unusual contraction, this time I could feel it in my back. I had just started going into labor. I was going to head into work, but then I just kept getting back labor that hurt like crazy!

So then I decided to go for a walk thinking this could be false labor. I still kept getting contractions. I hadn't been keeping track of my contractions because I thought I would just know when I would need to go into the hospital. When I told my Aunt Linda that I was in labor, she made me keep track of how far apart they were...They were a lot closer than I thought, about 15 minutes. All day until 10:30pm they were the same 15 minutes apart, but then when I called to tell Jake goodnight they started coming every 5 minutes. I thought to myself that I would be fine, that I would take a nice relaxing bath and go to bed, and then when it got worse I would go in. But that plan didn't work, I guess that just because you plan for it to go like that it doesn't. The contractions kept coming every 5 minutes and the back labor was horrible! Finally at 12am I was ready to go get checked up, I still thought that I would get sent home though. So I texted my Aunt Karen to see if she would drive me to the hospital, and if she was asleep I had planned on driving myself (what a joke!). So she drove me to the hospital, I didn't even take my bags because I thought they would just send me home.

It's funny, on the way to the hospital Karen was speeding to get there and I told her she could go the speed limit so she wouldn't get a ticket, she kindly informed me that the cop would probably have been ok for speeding since I was in labor. I wasn't thinking clearly!

Well, we got to the hospital and I got checked in and I was dilated almost to a 4, so they kept me! Gosh, none of the things I had planned were happening! Great, just my luck! So I was now at the hospital with my husband in Oregon, no hospital bags, now 3 days past my due date! Hmm...what else could go wrong?

At about 3am I got my epidural. It was much appreciated and I honestly don't know how I would have done it with out the epidural. At around 8am the doctor came in a broke my water. I was dilated to a 6. After a few hours of being dilated to a 6 they gave me pitocin to speed up the process. While I was on pitocin, it made me get a whole bunch of contractions right in a row, without giving my body a break, Reese's heart rate started dropping. So when we couldn't get her heart rate to pick back up a nurse came in and gave me a shot and started flipping me from side to side to get her heart rate back up. All at the same time I was prepped for an emergency c-section.

It was scary because they didn't tell me what was going on, they just came in and started doing what they had to so her heart rate would go back up. Luckily they got her heart rate up and I didn't need an emergency c-section. However, after hours and hours of being stuck at a 6 I finally had a c-section and Reese Avery Hamblin was born at 5:06pm on Wednesday, August 11, 2010, weighing in at 7lbs 4oz and 19 inches long.

It was so overwhelming with everything, but I am glad she made it here safely and that we get to finally kiss her chubby cheekers!

"What?! You're my mom?!!! Wish me luck, ha"

This is the first time I saw her....

So ready, but not!

We took a last trip for the year with my family to Yellowstone this last weekend. It was fun, but is sure wore me out! It's so weird to think that at how once we have a baby going on vacation will be so different. But it will be good.

So I have 4 weeks and 5 days to go until we welcome our little bundle of joy! I am so ready to have this little girl, but then I feel so unprepared all at the same time. I am just starting to get her room put up and things bought that we really need for her. I just worry that I won't get what she needs or what will be the best, or that I will all of a sudden go into labor and not have anything ready at the house when we bring her home. I guess these are pretty silly since all I really need is a place for her to sleep, diapers, wipes, bottles, and blankets.

I have been going crazy trying to get everything organized at least a little bit, but between work, doing hair, and trying to keep up the normal house chores plus Jake's chores while he is gone, I have little time to do so, and I get so tired. I'm sure everything will work out just fine.

I hope everyone is well.