I honestly don't know where to start...on May 24, 2011 I decided to give in to my feelings and take a pregnancy test...it came back positive instantly! We hadn't been trying so this was a huge shock (especially since I had tried for 3 years with my first hubby and 1 1/2 years with Jake to get pregnant with no success) and I honestly didn't know how I felt about being pregnant again. As time had went on though, I was more excited that I would have two little angels! I made Jake promise me that he would be to two of my dr appointments, my first one and when we were to find out what we were having. So we went to my appointment on June 27th only to find one baby with no heartbeat. I had been having a bad feeling for about a week, so I guess I kind of expected it, but thought that since I had had no signs of miscarriage that I was safe. I guess that even with out any kind of bleeding the baby can quit developing inside you, while your body still thinks you are pregnant....that was so hard! One of the worst things about this is that I have been sick with morning sickness, which is normally a good sign, and with Reese I didn't have hardly any at all, so I guess in a way I feel like I worked or had pushed through being sick for nothing, I felt cheated.
Since this was not my first miscarriage, in ways this is harder, I guess I kind of felt like I had done my "time" by having the first one and that I wouldn't have any more. Now it makes me worry for the future, the next time I am pregnant I will be worrying no matter even if I have absolutely no signs of miscarriage. I will have a ton of anxiety! However, even with the sadness, right now I feel at peace. I believe that it will be much easier getting through this since I have my little Reese. I have also been thinking that this is one of my trials and I just have to make it through it. I always thought that if I knew what my trials were it would be easier, it is still hard, but I know that Heavenly Father will keep His promises, I just have to work on mine.
I am so grateful for all of our friends and family that have shown us support. I am sorry though if I have been distant, I guess it's just my way of dealing with things. I don't know how to respond or take the pity that people give so I guess it's easier to stay away. Don't get me wrong it is super nice to know that people care I just suck at feelings.
Right now it's a waiting game, if I don't miscarry on my own this week, I have to go in and have a d&c. So maybe my feelings will change by then since I haven't really lost the baby yet, so once again sorry if I don't answer the phone it is hard to talk about, but please don't give up on me...I love you guys. Thanks for understanding.
